Why you should not date me

jessI know that all your ex-girlfriends are ‘psychos.’ I’ve heard all about them. and hardly a day went by that you didn’t make some eye-rolling reference to ‘the ex wife/ crazy bitch’ who practically ruined your life and how she divorced your ass and quit paying your bills. now she see’s other guys and is happy. that, cunt.

I know that you don’t think I could ever be as good of a ‘psycho ex’ as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I’ll be such a raving lunatic nutcase – you won’t even remember her when I’m through with you. Try me.

For starters – I am great in bed. Isn’t that how all the ‘crazy’ ones start out? every time you have me, you will be amazed, and often, as in your case, drunk. you will slurringly profess your love to me, and i will return it. you will fall for me, and i for you.

people who know me know i am stark raving mad. had they any concern in your well being, they would have told you, warned you about me. but they secretly know i will explode, and you my new friend, will be fucked.


time will pass, and sometimes, when the light hits my eye, you can see lunacy. i will get angry one day because if your wife is such a psycho, then why dont you leave her? i will tell you we are done, i wont be your mistress. more time will pass, you will remember the sex. eventually you will move in with friends, leave the wife, and not pay your share of the rent. i will be oblivious to this fact, and we will start getting serious again. and we will still be having great sex. in fact, as you lay one day,recovering, trembling, from my felatious methods, your mind wanders. you begin to think, i think i could marry this girl…. little do you know, i am totally about to open a can of crazy ass on you..

Your roommates will get tired of your living there for free, and you will ask to move in with me. you will eventually give me 100 dollars for staying in my already cramped apartment. i will work many hours at multiple jobs. you will work at an arranged job you got from your now estranged wifes friend. we will be mostly, well i will be mostly drunk when i get home anyways, it just happens when i stop off at the bar. and, i have mirrors. look at you. the great sex will be largely on me, as despite your actually not being hung poorly, your skill is greatly lacking. you however will, think this is (as it very possibly is,) the greatest sex of your lifetime. i will be mostly drunk. you will join in getting drunk, and slurringly ask for me to marry you. as i fall off the couch, i drunkenly will agree. more great sex, and while i sleep, you will pee on my bed.


But you know i am still a time bomb. you can feel it. i will be tired at this point of working to keep us all in home, you will constanly remind me how you paid rent. once. you will also frivously spend money on things like laser flashlites, and ps2 games.i will be sick with the hours i work, and never get ahead.and i will decide to move, for financial sake, and for now, you will be good with it. so far i wont know you’re about to lose your job, for being drunk.

When we decide to move, you will be glad. you will express plans of the future. i will get excited. suddenly it all changes. we have to move sooner, in a week. you wont be happy, your job wont transfer since you got in trouble, yet you will tell me it did. you will force me to leave behind over half of my belongings because you needed all of everything you ever owned your entire life. you will not help pack, or load any heavy furniture. you will be in a pissy mood, only because you can read my psychotic rage aura. like a stormfront coming in at dusk.

We will get to our destination, after your pos truck almost dies the whole 856 mile trip. and i had to leave my truck cause yours was more dependable. i suppose if your depending on getting killed by mountain pumpkin heads, well hell. you win. you can hear the crazy everytime i open my mouth. but you stay, great fucking sex, afterall..

As your job transfer was a cover story, you will begin to fill your days with video games. you havent got a job afterall. you graciously offer to take me to find myself a job… i will find one, and while i go off to work each day, you will worry about having no money, you spent the 200 you came with on 23 wrong parts for your truck. you will drive 30 minutes, one way to pawn your mothers wedding ring. the very ring you proposed to me with. you will also pawn your ps2, and have to resort to playing my 6 year old nephews pokemon game.


You will lie about filling out apps, you will go, and be gone, but never actually go job hunting. you will fix one doorknob, and point it out to the household, as if expecting a damned nobel prize. you will even lie for 3 weeks about the alleged transfer, going so far as to fake a phone call to the store manager here. you will even tell me in three days at 9 am you start training for a job. 3 days later i ask you at 10 why you didnt go.
My family here can tell you, if they gave a shit, that i am about to become the craziest bitch you ever dealt with, but again. they dont. i overhear you one day talking about how i am such a bitch, i expect you to just go out and work, i hide my laptop so you cant get on myspace all day, and i used the last bit of gas in your truck. at this point, you have seen only mildly nuts, as i BEGIN to unleash with all my craziness. i will tell you to go home to your mom, i am done with your sponging off of everyone. and you will go home to your mom.

This is where crazy begins. you will be alone, and seeing me on myspace having a good life. ohhh, it kills you. you keep trying to contact me and i get a ppo. you will still persist. all the while i will only mention in my own writings that your still at it, will be the truth,and what i write will stay up, anyone who can read can see how this has been playing out. and that while i try to move on, and i think its finally safe to go on a public profile, BAM there you are again. this is where i go really crazy.

At this point i am not replying to you comments. i just mention them in blogs. that is some sick twisted shit right there yo. i will get a new phone and move on. and you will crash your pos truck, get a dui, and see my craziness more, when i dont care (fucking crazy bitch) i wont fucking care. you will keep writing, and i wont care because i am the crazy one. i wont care what you do, and i wont reply to your messages and comments. i will continue to laugh at you in my blogs as you desparatly attempt to get me to talk to you, to respond. but, i, in my crazy world, will not. you will blame crashing the truck on me, as you were drinking your sorrows about me away, and i will never care. even that you hurt yourself. i wont care. now thats a crazy bitch.

Years later, you will be on a date. you will say some lewd comment and she will pour her beer in your lap. people will stare. your wingman will say, shes crazy. you will say, no. you should see my truck. craziest bitch i ever knew ruined it and my life. crazy fucking bitch.

10 Responses to “Why you should not date me”

  1. Julie H says:

    Hello! I liked your “stupid news” article! Unfortunately, it is practically a carbon copy of someone I once dated…who, like you mentioned in the beginnning, had to tell me all about his “crazy bitch” ex’s and I of course, was the worst, because unlike them, I didn’t put up with his crap….but out of everything I did, the tiny, little, practically non-existent nothings that he did, were what was important……need I say more?

    Good article!

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