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Creepy Guy – Funny True Stories

Monday, October 5th, 2009

gas_stationI was getting gas one day, just standing there watching the numbers go, when I felt like I was being watched. Creepy, I thought as I turned around, only to realize I was being watched. When I was done and heading into the store to pay, he approached me. He was on  the shorter side and not ugly, but also not attractive. He was rather plain. Not to say that looks matter, entirely… They do matter to an extent, but he looked safe. He did not seem to have any obvious crazy twitches or anything so when he asked my name I did respond. We exchanged names and I went in. This is the store I stop at every day for gas, and it is a tiny town. The cashier is a friend of mine, and he asked how I knew that guy. I told him I’d just met him here. He told me he seemed like a decent guy. By then the guy had walked in behind me, and watching the cashier and my exchange asked me to a barbecue. I agreed to go and gave him my number. I figured barbecues are busy, other people, safe and possibly fun.

He picked me up later that night and we rode over to his cousins house. On the way he asked me, which hindsight should have been a red flag, to go by the name Jill. He said he had forgotten my name and said Jill . Well that was an odd request and I was like whatever, stranger things have happened right? When we got there and his family seemed nice… almost too nice, I forgot being weirded out by the name thing.
We started mingling and i got to talking to people. They all acted like they knew something I did not know. Like there was a surprise waiting. One uncle asked how long it had been that i was dating his nephew. When I said one day, he looked confused and then laughed. Like I had said the funniest thing he’d ever heard. I figured he was older, maybe he was well… touched? I did not have much time to worry, dinner was served. The seating arrangement had my date and myself sitting in front of but facing the rest of the people. I knew this seating chart, but from where?

Bells were going off in my head now, DANGER!! DANGER!!!  What was this nagging in my head, I could not figure it out. I know I have seen this before, from a different angle perhaps?? Wearily I stood and glanced about myself as my stomach sank. Things were coming together in my mind, clues screaming at me to get out. But I sat down, like I said, dinner was served. I would get through dinner and ask to go home, I would act like I did not feel well, yes that would work just fine.. Sighing with my resolution I dug in.

“clink clink clink clink clink…”  Why that sounded like… Oh heavens they ARE tapping their glasses with their spoons, why people only do that at… oh hell… they want to see me and my date kiss… They are serious, they keep clinking…
I have been on date where the guy tried to slip in a kiss or too but this was going to a whole new length, get the family involved. I casually turned to him and moved in for a kiss, but at the last moment I turned my face, offering him my cheek, which received a huge wet kiss. I whispered in his ear, “what the hell is going on here?” He did not reply to me, instead he took to one knee and took my hands in his. The family grew hushed and anticipatory, while he said to me, “Jill I have loved you like no man ever loved a woman. Will you be my wife?”
This was not my first proposal, and perhaps will not be my last, but it was the only time it took just one date to get one. Flattering yet also creepy as hell. I guess this was the part I ruined a lot for this man. I stood up and said there was no way after meeting one time at a gas station I was going to get engaged. Even months of dating may not turn me into a say yes to the dress wannabe. I am just not the marrying type. This guy had apparently dated a girl called Jill. Things were going well for them and he had kept his family up to date on his new budding relationship. His family liked what they saw in him when he was with this girl, and was thrilled when he said he wanted to marry her. She on the other hand had different plans of her own. She split before he got a chance to ask her but his family had no idea. They believed they were meeting Jill for the first time, and seeing her and his engagement at this party. I had no idea the trickery went beyond the name Jill being gave to me. If he’d have explained it, after laughing at the story I may have played along, he could have waited a bit and told them I left, end of worries. I had no idea though that this is what was happening. All the clues, I never caught on. He took me home and I said, “look, I’m sorry things went as they did, but no hard feelings and if you want to get out sometime, give me a call.” He agreed, saying “I know I did a boneheaded thing and I am also sorry. Thanks for being understanding.”
I never heard from him again.
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Bad Dates First Dinner

Thursday, September 10th, 2009
dinner-dateTo the “gentleman” (and I use the word exceptionally lightly) that took me out to dinner last weekend;After much careful thought and lengthy consideration I have come to the following conclusions.

1) I agree with you about the dinner. Yes, the Tir Na Nog, downtown is not in fact cheap, even with your coupons. And although I question the man who is man enough to wear a fanny pack, I cannot help but wonder, in awe at his… for lack of better words, uh.. frugality, when he regularly carries the fundraiser coupon book in said fanny pack.

2) I also agree to your point, as I believe you so eloquently put it, “I am one hot fuckin piece of woman.” I mean, after all I have resided in this body for thirty two years now, and having watched its transformation from child to adolescent, to full grown woman, I cannot disagree. It is a rather hot fuckin body.

3) I have never been out with a man quite like you. I am impressed with the fact that you wear socks with sandals, and that you call your fanny pack your mag, as in man bag. I salute your lack of inhibitions as you flaunt your obnoxious style. I also dread the day I ever encounter anyone else like you.

4) The number I gave you. I am sure by now you have tried to contact me, despite your being angry when you asked me for my number. I am equally as sure you have discovered it is in fact the number to Papa Johns Pizza. I am not unknowing of my own number. I, in fact, gave you the wrong number, on purpose. Despite the fact our mutual friend set up this date, said friend knows and understands the wrong number slip, and neither will said mutual friend give you the correct one. So stop asking.

5) I do not nor will I ever sleep with the men I date. I date to go out and have a nice time with a nice guy. I often pay my own way, or take turns with dates paying. I do not owe any man for any dinner, the price of sex as well as no man owes me. I do not need to barter my self in return for a date. I owe you nothing.

6) Finally. Even without your outburst when I kindly declined your offer to “go back to your place and get it on, nows dinners done.”, I had no inclination to want to even ever date you again, let alone sleep with you. You are absolutely embarrassing, rude, tacky, presumptuous, and obnoxious. I would rather date a midget than you. Not that I have anything against midgets, I am just way too tall for it, it would be laughable is all. God forbid I am the cause of laughter aimed at a midget, I would feel awful for it.

Have a good life, and I wish you luck in your quest of finding a slut for a date, she just is not me.

–That damn bitch from the other nite who ate a 15 dollar dinner and would not sleep with you.

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Horry Dating Story

Horror Dating Story

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

horror-datingOne night, bored out of my skin and unable find anyone to go out with, I had given in and was getting ready for bed. I was just about to step into the shower when my phone lit up, it was my friend johnny. he was bored as well and wondered if I wanted to go out. Well hell yes I wanted to, so I drove over and got him. we went to my favorite Michigan bar the Roche. we had a few drinks and totally commandered the jukebox. all was going well. See when I date men, I make it clear that i won’t sleep with them for taking me out. Most of them respect that, and I had known Jon for so long, so it wasn’t weird. so here we are about a six pack into our night when i went to re-up on music on the jukebox. i was totally absorbed in the music, I hadn’t noticed the girl standing there until she said, “oh wow placebo, I love them”. harmless comment i thought and was like oh yeah, this is the only jukebox in this city that has them on it. she offered to buy our next round and i noticed Jon was talking to some guy. it was her boyfriend. ok well, I think, free drinks I can dig this, but in the back of my mind I thought, man they seem like they’re trying to get us really drunk.. but like I said free drinks, plus she had good taste in music.

we all four drank together and were having a nice time. I was closing time and they invited us over for more drinks.  initially was like oh, stranger danger! not safe… but i was with Jon, he is over 6 foot and built like a linebacker, so I thought alright he will keep us from being killed and eaten. we followed them to their house. once inside i noted it was a drab house with scant furnishings and some almost phallic paintings on the walls. Weird but we sat down and opened our beers. I sat next to Jon on the couch and the girl sat on the other side of him. Her boyfriend sat on a rolling computer chair, in front of me. We talked about music, art and good books. It was during our conversation I felt Jon scoot closer to me and I noticed the girl reaching to rest her hand on his leg. I thought “well that’s ballsy since they seem to think Jon and I are an “item”, and her mans sitting right here??” I looked at her boyfriend and he glanced over at her attempts with Jon and just smiled and leaning forward, towards me, he nodded. It was then Jon and I exchanged glances. I could read my own thoughts in his eyes. He nodded at me, stood up and said, “well its really late, and I have to get home, Dee are you ready?” I was totally ready, no way I wanted to be there alone. We walked as fast as we could without looking odd, and made it outside. They had followed us out the door and were offering for us to come by again, soon.
“Right, right..” I said, not willing to confirm another date with them. We got in my Jeep and I raced away.
It was outside of Jons house when we finally spoke.
“Jon, I… I think, maybe that uhh wow, I think they were..” I began. “Swingers.” He confirmed in one word. “They think we were a couple and they were hoping we’d have some wild orgy, no offence Dee, I wouldn’t destroy a friendship by sleeping with you, let alone with you and two strangers. I hope you didn’t want to either, but it seemed like you knew what I was thinking, that’s why I offered we should go…NOW.” he finished in a rush.
Audibly I let out the air I was holding, hoping, praying that was his line of thought. “No Jon, I wanted out of there as much as you did, good job reading my mind.” I said. Then we both began laughing. We laughed at the embarrassment, the shock, and the oh wow did that just happen situation. Once recovered from our outburst Jon climbed out, he turned back and said, “But for what it’s worth I had a decent time, prior to the sex freaks, keep in touch, but next time I pick the bar.”  I had never before been in a situation like this before, to be nearly propositioned by swingers, nor have I since. We never saw the gruesome twosome again, but I will always recall that night. I am very careful about the people in bars I talk to now and unless Jon is there I won’t go to anyones house unless I know them. Any other man may have been all for it, but not Jon. For that he earns coolness points beyond all others. Remaining my safest friend to go out with.

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